Handling a Separation
Breaking up is hard to do, especially with an under-five, but here’s some expert advice to make things easier on your little one.
BY HEJIRA CONVERY, KINDICARE
In the early years, child-raising often means less sleep, less income and less ‘me time,’ and although open communication with your partner can really help you through this challenging life stage, some relationships simply don’t last.
If you’ve broken up with the parent of your child, then you’ll know that a split is tough on everyone – even if it’s for the best.
And although you and your ex might not agree on much right now, it’s very important to put your under-five first and make the separation as painless as possible for them.
To help you do this, we’ve spoken to Dom Alford, Programs Leader at Relationships Australia Victoria, and with his expert input, here are 8 ways to support your child through this tough time.
1. Always put them first.
Whether you and your ex are embroiled in a nasty split, or are trying to achieve a conscious uncoupling, it’s important to put your under-five before yourselves.
This can be easier said than done, but Dom encourages you to, “Focus on the love you have for your child and put them first all the time.”
“This means always being mindful of what your child needs, and thinking about how each decision will work for them and affect them.”
2. Ask for your child’s input.
Under-fives aren’t fluent in all the ways of the world, but it’s very important to ask your child what they want and what they need, even if they don’t have a dictionary-sized vocabulary just yet.
Dom says, “Even very young children know what they want, and although you may not be able to deliver on everything your under-five desires, because at that age they can’t see the big picture all the time, it’s good to have the conversation with them.”
It shows respect, gives them agency and can also help you chart a positive path forward.
3. Think about how they feel.
Separating is really hard for grown-ups, and although it’s totally natural to feel a sense of grief, loss and even failure when you split with the father or mother of your child, it’s important to remember that your under-five is feeling a great loss too.
Dom says they’ll handle the break-up better if you keep them out of conflicts between yourself and your ex, and it’s important that they feel loved – now and always.
Your child should also know that they are not to blame for the split.
Dom says, “If they feel this way, it’s important to reassure your child that the split was not their fault. To explain it, you might say that you and Daddy/Mummy fell out of love, stopped getting along and just don’t want to live together anymore.”
4. Tune in to your child’s behaviour.
Under-fives often show their big feelings through their behaviour, and you might notice more clinginess, tantrums or restless nights as your little one processes the separation.
Dom says that this kind of behaviour can be a sign that they’re struggling with the split and you need to tune in to what’s happening for your child.
Try thinking about before and after the breakup, and what differences you’ve noticed in your child’s behaviours.
Sometimes, these changes and outbursts are more about your child’s age than your relationship status, so take the time to understand where they’re coming from, then give them the support they need, whether that’s a long cuddle or the freedom to let big feelings out.
5. Arrange a new normal.
Every co-parenting dynamic is different, and whether your child is spending the majority of time with Mum, every other week with Dad, or a few days here and there, the arrangement needs to be consistent and fair.
Everyone should feel ok with the state of play, including your under-five, and Dom says, “There’s no one way to manage your co-parenting arrangements. Just make sure all the pieces of the puzzle fit in, such as your child’s regular routine and your hours of work.”
6. Think about your parenting.
Although you might be tempted to cast shade on your ex, or shower your child with wet kisses whenever you see them, Dom says, “Your under-five loves the parent you were before the separation and they want the same person in your new routine.”
This means you should avoid the temptation to blame your ex in front of your child, and also give your little one time to adjust when they move from house to house.
Dom says, “Although you’ll be bursting with excitement to see your child after time apart, you might need to give them mental or physical space to let them settle into the new environment. You can still feel all that excitement, but try to be calm on the surface and supportive.”
You also normalise the new parenting dynamic by continuing to do things you’ve always done, like giving super bedtime tuck-ins or singing silly songs.
7. Talk to your child’s educators.
You don’t need to tell them every painful detail about your split, but Dom says it is important to be open with the people who look after your child a lot of the time.
You can just say that you’re separated and explain any arrangements that are relevant to childcare, like Daddy drop-offs and Mummy pick-ups.
Dom says, “You might also like to talk about how you’re managing the separation, and share little tips that may or may not have worked for your child.”
8. Get help if you need it.
Even the most amicable split shakes up family life in a big way, and a bad break-up is really hard to handle, but wherever you live, Relationships Australia Victoria can help.
They provide family dispute resolution (mediation) to help separating couples resolve parenting and property disputes, as well as counselling and parenting programs.
If you’re a dad, Relationships Australia Victoria’s Support for Fathers website is also a great go-to, and you’ll find lots of helpful separation and parenting resources for women and men here.
In time, we hope you can find a happy way out of this tough transition.
And no matter how much animosity you feel towards your ex right now, remember that you have given each other a beautiful child, and this little person must be your priority, always.
