How to Discipline Well
Why smacking isn’t good, and what to do instead.
BY HEJIRA CONVERY, KINDICARE
Modern parents are less likely to reach for the wooden spoon or spiky hairbrush when disciplining children, but hitting is still a 21st Century habit.
Plenty of parents give their kids a quick smack when they’re playing up, and early findings from the Australian Child Maltreatment Study tell us that six in 10 young people (aged 16 to 24) were physically hit for discipline, four or more times, as children.
These stinging moments can leave lasting pain.
The study found that young people who were hit repeatedly had almost double the risk of anxiety and depression (though other hard-line parenting reactions contributed to this); and a review of 70+ international studies has linked smacking and hitting with:
- Heightened aggression and anti-social behaviour in kids
- Lower self-esteem, and
- Mental health problems.
Smacking has also been found to lose its ‘power’ over time – with children becoming less likely to follow Mum or Dad’s instructions when they’re repeatedly hit.
Of course, there are times when discipline is necessary.
As a parent, you can’t let your child’s bad behaviour and inappropriate actions go unchecked, but instead of using physical force, it’s much better to choose your words carefully and manage emotions well.
Professor Daryl Higgins is here to help you do this.
Professor Higgins is Director of the Institute of Child Protection Studies at the Australian Catholic University and is one of the key people involved in the Australian Child Maltreatment Study.
Here are seven strategies he and colleague Professor Sophie Havighurst suggest you try, instead of smacking:
1. Make sure you set clear and consistent boundaries around your child’s behaviour.
Your child needs to know exactly how you expect them to behave in different situations, and Professor Higgins says, “This reduces the chance of misbehaviour in the first place, and ensures that you’re both on the same page about what should and shouldn’t happen.”
“In practice, this means you might say, ‘Let’s remember to find some toys you’re ok to share’ when you have a friend over for a playdate, or ‘Check with me first before you touch things on the shelf’ when you go shopping.”
2. Keep your own emotions in check.
Parenting can push your buttons, and although it’s natural to feel tired, hungry, annoyed and angry at times, it’s really important to keep things nice and steady with your child.
Professor Higgins says, “Big emotions, like anger, are catching, and it’s better for everyone if you pause before you react and resist the urge to lash out.”
“You might need to take some deep breaths or step away for a second – whatever it takes to come back cool, calm and collected.”
3. Make amends when you don’t handle things so well.
If you lose it with your child, or a situation, then the best thing you can do is own up to your emotional error.
Professor Higgins says, “You need to have the courage to say, ‘I’m sorry I lost my temper and yelled at you just then. I wasn’t very patient.’”
“This role models self-awareness, reflection and contrition, which are all important lessons for your child to learn.”
4. Think about the emotions behind your child’s actions.
The bulk of your child’s brain development happens in their first five years, but throughout childhood (and adolescence) there is still a lot of emotional learning to do.
Your child needs help to understand their emotions, and it’s also important to show that you’re there for them and understand how they’re feeling.
For example, you might say, “I can see you felt frustrated when Sienna kept taking your blocks. It’s tough when that happens.”
It’s also important to separate a feeling, like frustration, from a behaviour, like hitting Sienna.
Professor Higgins says, “All feelings are ok, but all behaviours aren’t. So, once your child has calmed down, it’s a good idea to talk about the emotion behind the action, explaining what they’re feeling and why, and how they could have acted differently.”
5. Work through problems when everyone is calm.
A big cuddle, some deep breaths or a few laps around the backyard helps to take the heat out of a heightened moment, and once you and your child feel better, then you can reflect on the problem and talk things out in a calm and less painful way.
6. Support your child to make amends.
Instead of just pretending nothing has happened, it is important to guide your child towards a solution or next step.
Professor Higgins says, “This teaches them how to take responsibility for their actions, resolve situations and repair relationships.”
“For instance, you might get the ball rolling by saying, ‘It can be hard to say sorry to someone you’ve hurt. What do you think might help?’”
7. Explore ‘natural consequences’
Whatever solution you find together, it should be a natural consequence of the problem.
Professor Higgins says, “Your child may need to replace a toy they’ve broken by parting with one of their own, or go around to a friend’s house to say, ‘Sorry’ in person, but whatever the next step is, it mustn’t be overly punitive.”
And this brings us back to smacking, because physical force really is too hard a punishment for a child, and with a bit of thought and care, words have so much more power.
Good luck!
Note: The above strategies are adapted from a recent article published by The Conversation.
