Handling Public Meltdowns
Gen Muir has some tried-and-tested advice to help you manage your young child’s noisy, messy, thrashy and generally horrible public meltdowns!
BY HEJIRA CONVERY, KINDICARE
Parenting has its challenges, and although things like sleepless nights, toilet training accidents and food battles often happen behind closed doors, public meltdowns always happen out there in the world, for everyone to see.
You might be picking your child up from daycare, trying to get that last bit of shopping done, or having a nice family day out, when things suddenly turn teary and you find yourself grappling with a child who’s very upset and will NOT go quietly.
Unfortunately, you can’t just click your fingers to make a public meltdown stop, and hiding under a rock isn’t an option either, but what you can do is read Gen Muir’s new parenting guidebook, Little People, Big Feelings.
Gen is a parent educator and mum-of-four with loads of authentic, fam-friendly advice to share, and her tips for handling meltdowns are gold.
Gen starts by explaining that, ‘Meltdowns build up in your child’s emotional cup, and while it can feel like they come from nowhere, the writing was likely ‘on the wall’ in the lead-up.’
You might find yourself walking on eggshells to try and avoid a meltdown, and although Gen says it’s not a great idea to ‘sit in every emotion’ your child ever has, it can help to ‘lean in’ to their emotions if you get the feeling that a meltdown is on its way.
For instance, if you’re getting ready for daycare drop-off and getting that eggshell feeling, you might say something like, “You really don’t want to put your shoes on, huh? Hmmm, I wonder what’s going on here. Mornings can be hard, can’t they?”
Gen explains that, ‘This process of ‘naming it to tame it’ makes your child feel seen and heard. It also lowers the pressure in the valve and allows some of the steam to come out.’
However, Gen cautions that you do need to wield this strategy with genuine empathy – talking with your body language as well as your words – or risk your child getting more upset.
When your child’s emotional cup does spilleth over, and a public meltdown happens, what you do and say can make a real difference to how long the meltdown lasts.
It also helps to know that you’re not the only parent to find themselves in this sticky situation.
Public meltdowns are something all parents have to deal with at one time or another – and because Gen has had her share of them as a mum-of-four and has some special intel as a parent educator – her advice below is super helpful!
It’s extracted from the ‘Meltdowns and Tantrums’ chapter of Little People, Big Feelings, and we hope Gen’s words resonate with you and make that next public meltdown a bit easier for everyone involved.
Photo credit: Tess Donohue Photography
Gen Muir’s five steps to managing public meltdowns
Not too long ago my youngest son, who was around four, had an EPIC meltdown right on the school crossing opposite the primary school my two older boys attended. It was a Friday arvo, a notoriously busy pick-up day when most parents are around. He lost it right ON the crossing. It was so loud, so physical, and so, so public.
I had tried all my tricks, I’d let him know I could see how upset he was, I had tried opening my body, giving him a hug, and I was keeping him safe by getting him off the road. It became pretty clear that he was not going to settle, and the best thing for him – and me and the boys – was to pick him up and get us all home.
I carried my wailing child to our van and managed to get him into his seat. As the boys asked what was for afternoon tea, I couldn’t even think. I was ashamed and I felt pretty hopeless. I wondered if others might think, ‘Geez, that parent educator can’t manage her own kids so well.’
The thing is, I know how developmentally necessary and appropriate meltdowns are. I know it made sense for my son, on a hot day, after a huge week of preschool, to lose it. I get it. And yet, it doesn’t ever feel amazing, does it?
It’s important to understand that one of the reasons these moments feel so terrible is because while we have come a long way in how we respond to kids in the home, there is still a lingering idea that ‘children should be seen and not heard’ when it comes to them taking up space in public.
So, as we break into the public meltdown plan, know that if you would literally rather be sucked into the bowels of hell than manage a meltdown in the supermarket or the park, know that you are definitely NOT ALONE.
But it always helps to have a game plan, so here it is.
1. Spot it coming and really try leaning in
Often, because we are in public and we don’t want our child to fully lose it, we deflect or distract way too long and this can make the meltdown actually happen. Get in close, let your child see that you understand the wish or the want: ‘I can see you are so disappointed, you so wanted that cookie and they are sold out – this is hard.’
2. Imagine a bubble
The meltdown happens anyway… Get low, hyper-focus on your child and you. Imagine there is a bubble around you, and whisper. This can help you drown out the perception of judgement and allow you to be what your child needs. Remember you are your child’s advocate and you don’t need to worry about how your child is impacting others, just on meeting the needs of your child. Also remember that, just like you, others are usually thinking, ‘Oh, I am so glad that’s not my child’ or ‘That parent is doing great.’ We often perceive judgement that simply isn’t there.
3. If at all possible, get outta there!
No kidding. If you can get your child out of the supermarket, the lift, the party, the family gathering, the playground... DO IT. It’s totally okay to football-hold if needed, and say something like: ‘You are having a really hard time, I’m going to get us out of here.’ Get away from eyes, get somewhere the stimulation is lower (for example, supermarkets can be really overstimulating for us all) or get to the car. Anywhere more private is going to allow you to be more of the parent you need to be, and this in turn is really going to help your child.
4. Name it
Once in the car, or outside, or off the pedestrian crossing, you can say: ‘You are really mad/sad. You really wanted that ice-cream.’ We don’t want to overdo this, but naming what we see can help our child to get a sense of what they are feeling. It also lets them know they are seen and heard.
5. Hang in there
Breathe. Be your child’s safe base until the storm passes. Know that by being at their side you are helping them build their brain for resilience – something we all hope for our kids.
In the evening after the Friday arvo pedestrian crossing meltdown, I got a message from a mum I didn’t know that well at the time; I wasn’t even sure how she’d got my number. It read: ‘Hey Gen. If you haven’t done the walk of shame with a screaming child down High Street, I am pretty sure you haven’t been a parent. Hope you have a wine in hand and your feet are up.’
I’ll never forget how that made me feel – less alone, less like a failure, more able to laugh. While we can’t stop our children from having public meltdowns, what we can do is support other parents and let them know they are not alone.
As you can see, Gen’s parenting advice isn’t dry and boring.
She’s a parent, going through the same stuff as the rest of us, and if you’d like to read more of Gen’s tips for dealing with young children’s strong emotions and challenging behaviours, you’ll find Little People, Big Feelings where all helpful books are sold.
